The Incredible Shape-Shifting Boy

My 8 year old is amazing. While you may look at him and see a sweet, blonde haird, blue-eyed, average little boy, in reality, he is........well.........it varies from day to day. At the start of every day, this beautiful boy emerges from the living room, meets me at my bed, or wherever I happen to be at the time, and announces to me what he is that day.

Probably my most favorite of all of his alter egos is "Super-Sharp Thornbush Man." It was my favorite because he made this noise like spikes flying out of something metal, and I swear I could see his thorns popping out. Very scary, indeed.

This morning he sat down on my bed and said, "Hi, momma."

To which I replied, "Hi!"

Then I could see it coming. The wide eyed, patient expression on his face that told me to buckle in because I was about to find out today's identity. And then it came. "You know what I am?"

"What are you?"

"A Ghoul."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, and I have dark blue skin, red zombie eyes, a bright yellow mouth, with a Grim Reaper hat and cloak with dark blue zombie hands. I have dark blue feet with toenails as sharp as vampire fangs and they are as long as my pointer finger but curved."

"How do you walk?" I asked.

"I claw the ground or I float!"

What else could I say? "Um, wow!"

For those of you who are NOT boys, does this strike you as a little odd? Well, it used to with me, but after several years of seeing him capably exist in our world with all of his "other identities" I am convinced that he is able to pull this double life off beautifully. Don't worry.

What concerns me is this: Why can't he be a something a little less violent? Or scary? Or mean? I am raising my sons in the church. I don't let them watch scary movies or TV. We talk about heros in history and from the Bible. So why isn't he pretending to be one of those?

I think the answer lies in the fact that he possesses a Y chromosome. They tend toward rough, violent, war related things. What I need to do is embrace my inner little boy, and just make our history and Bible sound rough, violent and war related. It really isn't hard to do when we are talking about the Old Testament!! There are plenty of battles and war to choose from.

So this will be my next goal in parenting. Make the Bible sound more violent!! I'm not sure this is my most lofty goal ever, but my son with blue skin and finger-long toenails is not a picture I want to dwell on for very long!!! My only concern is that if I do this, he might approach me one morning and say, "Hey momma. Guess who I am?"

To which I will reply, "Who?" because I am a well trained monkey after all these years.

I have no doubt it will be something like this: "I am a huge giant Philistine and I am coming to kill all the puny Isrealites with my giant club and sword."

Sigh. Where am I going wrong? Somehow the good guy isn't as exciting as the bad guy to these boys. I'm going to work on that!!!

As James Dobson said, even if you refuse to give a boy a toy gun, he will find a way to make one out of something. It is in the nature of a kid to want to be rough and have weapons. Heaven help the mommy who raises these little warmongers!!!!

Okay, am I obsessed?????

My oldest son, who has a knack for making comments that hit me at my most insecure spot, has done it again. He made a comment the other day, something along the lines of how I talk about recipes and food all the time. Once I nailed him down, and asked him if he has EVER heard me talk about ANYTHING but food, he admitted that his "all the time" was a little misplaced. And I truly believe that he wasn't trying to insult me. It was more along the lines of a 9 year old's observation.

Well, maybe he is right. I LOVE to cook. When a beautiful recipe comes together to make something that I would be happy to serve in a restaurant, I get immense satisfaction. I get on the phone and share it with my friends. I email my husband and tell him to start salivating now, because heaven is waiting in the fridge for him when he gets home! In short, I love cooking.

In a recent past life I was a personal chef. It took me away from my little chickens once too often, so I let it go, but it was a great thing for me. I loved sharing my food with others. It was also one of the scariest things I have ever done. Sometimes.....GASP!!!...the person didn't like something I had made! Something that I personally knew to be the yummiest creation any chef could ever lay on a plate. Something I have been getting great reviews on for years on end. I know that personal food preferences are just that. Personal. But come on!!!!! How could you not like THAT?????

So, I have been trying to not obsess about my recipes. I was doing well, until the other day. I was craving, in my pregnant body, thick soup. So, I checked my recipe file, and I found a recipe I have never made before for Cheddar Broccoli Soup. I made it, I tasted it, and I fell off the wagon. I had to call my sister. I had to tell my mother. I had to tell my husband, and when he came home late that night I had to force some down his throat even though he said he wasn't particularly hungry.

To my IMMENSE satisfaction, he sighed. He rolled his eyes back in his head a little. He said "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm." He agreed with me that in any restaurant, we would consider this the best Cheddar Broccoli soup we had ever eaten. And, to top it off, he got seconds. Now THAT is success. If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, I've got this guy hooked forever!!

So, maybe I am obsessed. But, I also have a houseload of 5 men that really like to eat, so maybe that isn't a bad thing right now. And if this baby turns out to be a boy, which it surely will, then I will have yet another growing boy to feed. And let me tell you, these people can put away the food.

Ahhhhh, the satisfaction of feeding the troops well. The personal satisfaction of hearing my boys say, "Momma, you should open a restaurant." Not to mention the personal satisfaction of eating yummy food!! But, I will try to achieve balance so it is not ALL I think about, thank you, son number one.

Don't even get me started on the cinnamon rolls!

The Romantic Side of Kindergarten

I will be the first to admit that my 5 year old is a doll. Dimples, cheeks, blue eyes and blonde hair. Just too cute for words. Well, apparently, I am not the only girl who thinks this is true.

A couple of weeks ago, my boy came home from Wednesday night church and told me that the little sister of my 8 year old's best friend had announced to him that she "has a crush" on him. He was quite embarrassed by this, and just seemed to want it to go away. I laughed about it, told him this girl has really good taste, and just moved on. Oh, if it were only that easy.

Yesterday, my 5 year old had his first day of Kindergarten at the homeschool academy my kids attend once a week. He was so excited, and had lots of fun stuff to tell me at the end of the day. His favorite class probably was something like....lunch. Normal boy stuff.

So this morning, as I am settling down to school the kids, I get a phone call from a mom from our school. She and I both work for the school taking care of the younger kids, so I figured it was business. I figured wrong. Here is how it went.

Friend: "Julie, this is (friend). I just needed to talk to you about what happened at school between my daughter and your son."

Me: "I didn't know anything had happened!" Undoubtedly this is because she has the daughter and I have the son. These boys just don't tell me anything sometimes! Especially the juicy stuff.

Friend: "Well, my daughter had heard that so and so at church has a crush on your son, so she decided that she does, too. Then she led her little friend to also say that she had a crush on him, and they both ended up kissing him."

Me: Silence. Then, "Okaaaaay, he did not tell me about this!!!"

Friend: "Well, I wanted you to know about it, and that the mom of the other girl and I really are sorry to have had him put in such an uncomfortable position. I am sure he was embarrassed. But he dealt with it in a way that I and the other mom think was really great. I just want you to know that first. We like the way he handled it."

Me: "Uh-oh, what did he do?"

Friend: "Well, he turned to the girls and told them that if they didn't stop he was going to beat them up."

That's my boy. (Sigh.)

So we talked about how I would still be having a talk with him about how we don't ever beat up girls or even SAY we are going to beat up girls. She talked about how this was just an innocent kid thing, but she wanted her daughter to apologize anyway, so she got on the phone with me, and through HEAVY sobs told me she was sorry. I kindly passed on my forgiveness to this poor little broken, embarrassed girl, and then, the real horror began as she had to apologize to the "kiss-ee".

I should say the real horror began for him. He truly didn't even know why she was apologizing. And when he asked me why she was, I whispered, "Because she kissed you." Suddenly he must have been possessed by Yoda or something, because in some weird voice I have never heard him make before, he began saying to this poor little sweet girl, "I forgive you I don't care. I forgive you I don't care." He said this three or four times, and then I took the phone away from him to spare her the agony of listening to that voice anymore. (Or maybe to spare ME the agony!)

What have I learned from this? What nugget of truth can I take away from this and learn from it? Nothing. None. Nada. It just is hilariously funny. Well, I guess I learned that my friend is a sweet caring mommy who really loves her girl and wants to guard her purity of heart as she grows older. I love that about her. Maybe I learned that I need to spend some more time on chivalry with my boys, and on learning how to NOT threaten to beat up a girl.

Mostly I think I learned that my boys are so cute I am going to have to lock them away until they are 35. This was not our first kissing issue in Kindergarten. When son #2 was in Kindergarten, he was also kissed by a girl with a crush on him. Who knew that Kindergarten had so much romance and drama in it?

Come to think of it, it won't hurt them to wait to date until they are 40, will it? Will it? Wait, don't answer that. This is my plan and I am sticking to it!