Shifting Paradigms

I am still in shock, two days later. I am having a daughter. We are calling it "she" now. Wow.

Just a quick little check in. I went to Costco this week, and Jeff held up a size 4T pink, soft, Minnie Mouse covered jacket with flowers and leaves on it. It was girly. It was sweet. And I burst into tears in the middle of Costco. Thanks a lot, honey!!!

So, here is my latest realization. We, in this house, will have baby dolls. With pink clothes. Pink blankets. Barbies. Princess stuff. This is enough to make me sit down heavily and stare off into space for over an hour at a time.

Well, right now I am off to make rolls for dinner, so I can't space out quite yet. We have already been telling the boys things like "Well, you'd better get used to it," when they say "Ewwwww" to all the above mentioned girly paraphernalia.

We all have to . Mostly I am trying to get used to their being another girl in the house for Jeff to fall in love with. Honestly, I have struggled with this a bit. I guess I have enjoyed being his only princess.

I suppose now I get promoted to queen, huh? Hey, I can handle that!

Everything Changes

I know a few things for certain. I mean REALLY for certain, like, you could stake your life on them. I know my husband loves me and only me. I know that Jesus truly lived and breathed, died, rose from the dead, and has saved me from my sin. And I know that God intended me to be a mommy of boys.

For as long as I can remember, I have cared for boys. In college, God prepared me for my life by allowing me to be a nanny to twin boys. Those boys felt like my own kids sometimes. I just love the laid back, take life as it comes nature of boys. I love the rough and tumble. I love the noise and the boisterousness. They are a unique breed, and I am so honored to be trusted with these future men.

So, why is it that today, at the doctors office, looking at an ultrasound, there were no boy parts? There was nothing where the boy parts are supposed to be! And when the tech (and another tech who came in for a backup opinion) looked closely, she saw girl parts? Girl parts. On a child inside MY body.

Girl parts.

I'm numb. I'm shocked. I'm stunned. And yet, I'm not. This is the only baby that has actually caused me to vomit. I have never vomited before, and especially not AFTER 16 weeks pregnant. I have been more tired, more emotional, more sick than ever before. Is this due to an overload of estrogen? Could be. Still, I am shocked.

It doesn't help that the techs both said they were about 75% sure that they were right, since the baby was using its (her?) modesty and keeping the private parts private. Still, they took a photo, and there was no scrotum, no penis, no nothing. Just very girly looking parts. Neither Jeff nor I feels 100% that we are having a girl, yet we clearly saw a distinct lack of protruding parts.

Maybe it is just shock that keeps us from fully embracing this news. I feel like when it finally hits me, I am going to cry. I just saw a picture of a baby girl wearing a beautiful dress and a head band, and I almost lost it. I almost let myself accept this.

Still, what does this do to the bucket I live in? Well, it is still a bucketload of boys. This has not changed. A daughter will not change the fact that God intended me to be a mother of many boys.

It just appears that He also intended me to be a mother to a daughter.

Oh, here come the tears. I am going to need some time to really take this in. This is quite a loop that motherhood is throwing me for. I am not sad, just shocked. Scared. Wanting to be excited, yet not sure that I should be just yet.

Well, if this is true, and if all goes well, we should be holding Carolyn Rose in our arms in about 5 months or so. There, I said it.

Until then, I'll be breathing, breathing, breathing. And learning how to play dolls again. And thinking pink and lacey.

Oh my goodness. This is huge. I am going to go and ponder for a while. Something this enormous is going to need time to sink in. I'll check back in soon.

The Face of Desperation

This is the face that plagued my morning. My husband went off to a men's breakfast this morning at church, totally at my bidding. I really wanted him to enjoy some man time, and not with men of the pint-sized variety. This left me to do Jeff's daily job. Make breakfast.

Being that today is Saturday, it is pancake morning. So, not wanting to throw off any one's rhythm, I began making pancakes. I must start off by saying, I can cook many things very well, but pancakes are not one of them. Jeff makes the most killer pancakes ever. Oh, well, if they want to eat, they'll have to eat my meager attempts.

Our precious little toddler/terror Tobe was in the kitchen with me, and he woke up with a massive hunger. This is nothing new. So, I assured him I would be making his pancakes and getting him some food soon.

Our oldest, Jeffery, had expressed to me that Daddy always lets them have a handful of whatever chocolate he happens to be putting in the pancakes that morning. Today, it was mini M&M's and blueberries, so I chose not to break with tradition. I gave each boy a few of the little candies to enjoy while I flipped breakfast. I should have known this was a terrible idea.

Since two summers ago in Branson, MO, we have known of Tobe's problem with sweets. He can't have a little. When he has a little, he wants MORE MORE MORE. And he is quite vocal about it.

This morning I made pancakes to the dulcet tones of my boy screaming "MO TAWKAT!!"over and over again. Then it changed to "MO PANKAY!!!" as he saw the pancakes stacking up on the plate. Eventually, time out took over, and I had a moment of peace as he shouted at the walls in his room. Once he returned, it began again.

How can I blame the kid? How many times has my heart shouted out "More Chocolate!" even when my external facade looked calm and serene? If I can say anything about this boy, it is that he is a product of his genes AND his environment. He comes from a "TAWKAT" loving family. We have created a monster.

Just look at his pitiful little face! Just look at the desperation in his eyes. Where are the pancakes? Where is the chocolate? Why is his horrible mother withholding such wonderful bliss from him?

Now, I am happy to say, all is well. He is adequately full and happy, and is currently watching Wishbone with his brothers. I have succeeded in making breakfast, and everyone is content.

Now I need a nap from dealing with the screaming wild man all morning! My husband gets off work in about 11 hours or so, not too long from now! My nap will come. And probably a few more time outs between now and then!!!