Everything Changes

I know a few things for certain. I mean REALLY for certain, like, you could stake your life on them. I know my husband loves me and only me. I know that Jesus truly lived and breathed, died, rose from the dead, and has saved me from my sin. And I know that God intended me to be a mommy of boys.

For as long as I can remember, I have cared for boys. In college, God prepared me for my life by allowing me to be a nanny to twin boys. Those boys felt like my own kids sometimes. I just love the laid back, take life as it comes nature of boys. I love the rough and tumble. I love the noise and the boisterousness. They are a unique breed, and I am so honored to be trusted with these future men.

So, why is it that today, at the doctors office, looking at an ultrasound, there were no boy parts? There was nothing where the boy parts are supposed to be! And when the tech (and another tech who came in for a backup opinion) looked closely, she saw girl parts? Girl parts. On a child inside MY body.

Girl parts.

I'm numb. I'm shocked. I'm stunned. And yet, I'm not. This is the only baby that has actually caused me to vomit. I have never vomited before, and especially not AFTER 16 weeks pregnant. I have been more tired, more emotional, more sick than ever before. Is this due to an overload of estrogen? Could be. Still, I am shocked.

It doesn't help that the techs both said they were about 75% sure that they were right, since the baby was using its (her?) modesty and keeping the private parts private. Still, they took a photo, and there was no scrotum, no penis, no nothing. Just very girly looking parts. Neither Jeff nor I feels 100% that we are having a girl, yet we clearly saw a distinct lack of protruding parts.

Maybe it is just shock that keeps us from fully embracing this news. I feel like when it finally hits me, I am going to cry. I just saw a picture of a baby girl wearing a beautiful dress and a head band, and I almost lost it. I almost let myself accept this.

Still, what does this do to the bucket I live in? Well, it is still a bucketload of boys. This has not changed. A daughter will not change the fact that God intended me to be a mother of many boys.

It just appears that He also intended me to be a mother to a daughter.

Oh, here come the tears. I am going to need some time to really take this in. This is quite a loop that motherhood is throwing me for. I am not sad, just shocked. Scared. Wanting to be excited, yet not sure that I should be just yet.

Well, if this is true, and if all goes well, we should be holding Carolyn Rose in our arms in about 5 months or so. There, I said it.

Until then, I'll be breathing, breathing, breathing. And learning how to play dolls again. And thinking pink and lacey.

Oh my goodness. This is huge. I am going to go and ponder for a while. Something this enormous is going to need time to sink in. I'll check back in soon.