11 Years, 4 AM, Learning Acceptance

Today is my 11th wedding anniversary. 11 years ago today, I married the sweetest, kindest, most patient man on earth. He has had a lot to be patient with, marrying me! I have been blessed beyond measure as his wife. Maybe not in the traditional sense that some may think. We don't have a ton of money, our house is small, our cars are not fancy. But we have got it where it counts. After 11 years, 4 kids and 6 pregnancies, we love each other. Plain and simple.

So, why am I up at 4 am? It is because, at 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant, I am bleeding. I was blessed to see our little baby yesterday via ultrasound. All 4 mm of it, beating heart and all. Amazing. How can anything that is 4 mm long have a heart beat that I was able to hear and that they clocked at 128 beats per minute? Friends, anyone who doubts God's existence must never have listened to their baby's heartbeat at 6 weeks and 5 days gestation.

Since the baby is so small, about the size of a bean, the boys and I are calling it "Beanie". The boys have been troopers. They served me all day yesterday so that I could stay on the couch and give Beanie a rest. Or, more appropriately, give Beanie's house a rest. I have never seen those boys so unselfish and ready to help. It was such a comfort to my heart to see my blessings walking around in front of me.

And yet, I am frustrated. I feel like my body is betraying me. My blood levels are all normal, I am resting, and yet I am still bleeding. I know that everything might be okay, and I am praying to that end, yet I am angry with my womb. Just quit already! I wish shouting at my body would work, because if it would work, I would do it. Alas, stressing myself out by shouting at my body won't help.

So, here I am at 4 am. I am grateful to God for all of my blessings, and I am scared. My dear friend sent me this scripture: "I lift my eyes up to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth." He made me, this world, the heavens, everything that is part of my world. He made my sweet little Beanie. He knows, better than we do, what we need, and what this baby needs. If He chooses to take this little one ahead of us, we know it had to be a compassionate choice full of love for us and for our baby.

We recently lost our nephew. He was a very sick baby while he was alive. We prayed and prayed for him, but ultimately, the Lord chose to bring him home. It has crossed my mind several times that maybe this baby is sick. If I were to lose this baby, could it be a mercy to this little one to keep it from suffering? I just don't know. What it boils down to is, the Lord is good. There is no evil in Him. He can't screw up. He isn't sleeping and missing this. He is just good and in control.

So, I am going to lay down and pray that our baby isn't going to die. But mostly I will pray for sleep for my weary mind. Man, I am glad no one ever said that walking through this life should be easy. But, for this moment, God has given me a husband who wants to walk beside me through all of this, and I am not alone. Even without him, I wouldn't be alone. I am blessed beyond measure, and clinging to the truth that nothing can change that fact. 11 years, 4 kids, 1 miscarriage and a currently scary pregnancy later, I have more blessings than I can count. I wouldn't give any of this back. Not even this little time I have had with Beanie. Whatever the outcome, God gave me another life to carry, and I am grateful.