I'm Learning a LOT About Me

I wish I liked all of it. But I don't. This week, one of my lesser character traits has come to the surface and reared its ugly head. I am impatient. Very impatient.

This Thursday I will be going away with 3 of my dear lady friends to go and have a "mommy-recharging" weekend. We will hang out at the lake, we will eat, because that is what women do, and we will encourage one another. There will be laughter, probably tears, again because that is what women do, and there will be cinnamon rolls. There will not be one ounce of testosterone anywhere!!! Sounds very close to heaven. I should be beside myself with joy.

But no. I am, instead, impatient. I want Thursday to be here. I want a few moments stacked up next to one another where I can compose a thought without hearing "Mommy!!!!!!" shouted from another room. I want to sleep and not listen for the pitter patter of little feet on the carpet coming into our room at 3am. In short, I want a vacation.

I am struggling with the why's of all of this. I love my boys, I love my husband. All of them are, second only to Jesus Christ, the very life's breath of my existence. So why do I want so badly to escape?

I can very honestly boil it down to feeling overly entitled. After full time mommying for years on end, I "deserve" a break. We are approaching the beginning of our homeschool year again, so I "deserve" a chance to "step back and focus." I am tired all the time, so I "deserve" some rest for a couple of days.

So I have to ask myself, what do I REALLY deserve? In the whole grand scheme of things, I deserve NOTHING. I deserve to be treated like someone who perpetually puts her own needs ahead of others in her heart. I deserve to be treated like one who has thumbed her nose at God more times than she can count with this grumbling, ungrateful heart.

But what do I get, instead? A husband who brings me coffee every morning, four beautiful healthy boys with hearts of gold, and a Savior who loves me enough to give His life for me. If that isn't grace and mercy, I don't know what is.

I needed to write this, because I needed to right this. My attitude has STUNK today, and I really needed to remind myself that my life is more blessed than I will ever "deserve." I have no single reason that I can think of to be anything but grateful.

I want to state, for the record, that I believe being aware of my limitations and asking for a break is a good and right thing to do. Where I cross the line is when I feel entitled to these things, and I am grumpy when I am not getting them fast enough. As a mom of 4 rambunctious boys, I will NEVER try to act as if asking for a break is sinful. It is when I demand it that I have lost sight of the point.

I am their mom. This is what I was put here to do. While I have many skills and talents, and do my best to use them all to God's glory, the main roles he has placed in my life are wife and mom. I ought to stop blogging now and go back to doing this, but hopefully with a heart that is thankful for these beautiful little testosterone-laden blessings.

So there is my written spanking for myself. I am going to go on this trip, and instead of looking at it as something I "deserve", I am going to praise the Lord for this tremendous blessing that He has added to my already overly blessed life. I am going to be thankful that He knows my fatigue and mental tiredness, and has looked after me enough to provide the recharging He knows I need. That is a wonderful thing, to have someone who so intimately knows my heart, with all the warts included, and still loves me enough to say, "Here, honey, let me help you feel better." Man, that is humbling. I am officially, and completely, grateful.

Never take anything for granted

I have much to say on this topic. As a mom, wife, woman, even as a human being, I need to be constantly reminded that things may not always be as they seem. This was never more apparent to me as it was just two days ago. My 5 year old son, who is precious in every way, showed me again that I don't know as much as I thought I do.

From another room, one of my sons shouted, "Momma, what year was Joseph born?" My response was, "2002". Whichever son it was said, "I KNEW IT!" I am really not sure what caused this question to be asked.

A mere second later, Joseph comes flying into the room with his "Oh-my-gosh-I-just-discovered-something-AWESOME" look on his face and said, "Wait a minute! Was I born on October 27, 2002????"

I smiled at him and said "Yes you were!" He said to me, in his most surprised voice, "But, that's my birthday! I WAS BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY???"

After much laughter, I explained to him that EVERYONE was born on their birthday. He thought that was just really cool. I guess now we have two reasons to celebrate his birthday. One, because it is his birthday, and two, because he was BORN on that day!!! I loved the innocence of his question, and how he is just a totally unaffected child. He just wears all his thoughts and feelings right out there, and doesn't care, yet, if he looks silly. I love that about him.

The second thing I have learned I never should take for granted is this: I am not becoming my mother as I get older. I am more and more, as time goes on, turning into my father. Unexpected. Aren't women supposed to turn into their moms?

On the same day as the birthday incident, I had a discussion with my step-mom about how I am really hoping to buy a grain mill so that I can grind my own flour. As a non-prairie muffin, she had what some may consider an understandable reaction. She burst out laughing, and made comments about us "going off the grid". I wasn't offended. I know she loves me and supports me in everything I do. We had a good laugh together.

So, jokingly, I said "Hey, maybe we should just buy a huge grinding stone, put it in our back yard, tie the kids to it and have them run around in circles until they grind enough flour for us to make our bread!" We both agreed this would make for well-exercised children, and good eating!

Later that evening, Gayle was sharing this story with my dad. She got as far as telling him we want a grain mill, and he had a great idea. He said we should buy a huge grinding stone, put it in our back yard, tie the kids to it, and have them run around to grind our grain. According to Gayle, she sat there with her mouth hanging open. I can understand why!!

So, the moral of this blog posting is this: Don't take anything for granted. You may find that your son has no idea why he has a birthday every year, and that you are slowly but surely morphing into your father.

Really, this makes sense, though, doesn't it? Since I am soaked in testosterone all day, shouldn't I really be turning into a man any time now?? I guess my dad is a good one to turn into!

Prairie Muffin, in Noblesville, IN???

I have recently heard of the "Prairie Muffin Manifesto", easily found on the internet with the help of trusty old "Google". I read this, and I was encouraged. It is a 50 item list of the ideals I hold for my life as a mom, wife and Christian. I loved it from the minute I read it, even acknowledging that it is an IDEAL, and as of yet has not even REMOTELY been attained in my life. That is okay with me, though. I know all too well that I am a work in progress, and that God has infinite patience with me as I am daily sanctified in my walk with Him.

As you surely can imagine, I also found much dissent in the list that Google brought up for me. Dissent, disregard, and outright attack on any woman who would seek to stay home with her kids, to serve her husband and submit to his authority in the home, to keep her kids innocent of as much of the worlds yuck as possible until they are ready to deal with it. The most hotly debated and heatedly criticized view, however, is the view that PM's allow God to determine the size of their families, and in doing so do not prevent pregnancy from happening. The venom some people can spit over this issue is, to me, astounding.

I can see, and totally understand why people of differing opinions would see this overall mindset as offensive. They could easily be offended if they understood it to mean that if I believe this, I am saying you are evil for NOT following all these guidelines as I desire to. I would like to propose that I am able to subscribe to the Prairie Muffin mindset without judging, putting down, or hating those who don't. Obviously I believe in my heart that these guidelines for womanly godliness are desirable for everyone, not just me. I don't subscribe to a view that God's truths are subjective. However, how these ideals work out in God's plan for each woman's life can be as varied as the number of women on earth!!!

For example, let's say a woman cannot conceive. This is in no way contrary to the idea of letting God decide the size of a family. God can give us tons of kids, a few kids, or no kids. They are His to give or withhold. When Jeff and I lost our first child in pregnancy, we were devastated. MANY years later, I became convinced that God causes ALL things to work for good in the lives of His children. Even bad, horrible things like this. He is that powerful. If He had chosen that moment to make me barren, we would have had to submit our broken hearts to the Lord's leadership daily for the rest of our lives. Ultimately, size of family isn't what counts.

Regarding the other items on the manifesto, I see these as godly ideals. I will struggle every day to have the right attitude. (You can reference my last post to see me on a day when my attitude was much less than perfect.) But I am thankful to have a list of attitudes and practices to strive to attain. If there are any that God shows me in my life are not in line with His word, then I would throw that one out. Ultimately it isn't the Prairie Muffin Manifesto that guides my life. It is God's word and His truth contained there.

I am grieved when I see Christians slinging arrows at one another for differences in opinion on how to work out our faith in our daily lives. If we must disagree, let's save it for the big things, and never allow the issues that aren't central to salvation to separate us.

As for this little Prairie Muffin, I am going to make sure that I am following Christ as the Bible dictates, and I am going to make sure that I am loving those around me wholeheartedly, without reserve, never letting our differences pull me apart from those God has given me to love.

One last note, though. I will gladly, proudly and hopefully successfully work toward prairie muffin-hood, but I have a question. Considering where I live, am I a suburb muffin? =)

Boys, schedules, and fear

What can I say about these boys? They are precious, they are my life. Today, they are driving me nuts!!! Why, you ask? For no good reason other than my husband's work schedule. This doesn't make sense at all, so if you are confused, you should be.

Last night, I looked at our calendar and saw my husband is working two days in a row from 9 am to 9 pm. He is working this hard so that we can meet our bills, with some extra to buy our curriculum for the coming school year. He is doing exactly what he should do, and I am so grateful to him.

So, where does the problem lie? It lies in my heart, that's where. I am looking down the road two days, imagining how lonely I am going to be, how hard it will be having him gone for 14 hours a day (with commute). I am looking so far down the road that I am forgetting some very important things. I am forgetting that God will give me the grace to deal with every long, lonely hour I spend without my husband. I just have to take those hours one at a time. When I look at the entire two days, I feel afraid of the loneliness I am going to endure.

It may valid to ask, why is it so lonely when I am surrounded by people? This morning, my 5 year old was being crazy, nonsensical, and well, 5, and I looked at Jeff and said, "This is why I am lonely." I have been sent to live in 9 and under land where all the inhabitants are male, they are all little, and their main concern in life is how to get enough Legos to build the coolest monster ever. While I love the inhabitants of this world with all of my heart, let's just say that I don't get real interpersonal satisfaction out of building with Legos and talking about what super hero they are today. I get lots of laughs from it, but not a whole lot of edification or quality conversation.

Referring back to a previous post, this is all part of the deal. This is what I signed on for. All of these things are true. And yet, equally true is that this is tough to deal with right now. In a few weeks, I will, hopefully if the husband can get his work schedule rearranged, be heading off to a lake with a group of ladies who are also in need of some quality adult girl time, and I will spend about 36 hours soaking up as much estrogen from them as I can. Talking about feelings. Praying. Sleeping. Just being quiet. I am trying not to count the minutes.

I know that I need this girl time, but in the meantime, I have to be content where I am. This is what I am praying through. Contentment while existing in the home of my wild men. I need to look at the picture above about 200 times a day for some perspective. In it, these wild men are quiet, handsome and sweet. They don't need anything, they just smile. They aren't crying or argueing, or just being boys, they are just sitting and smiling. AHHHHHHHHHHHH.

You know, they might just REALLY be worth all of this after all.

Perfectionism

I'll admit it. I am somewhat of a perfectionist. Not so that you would be able to see if you came to my home, mind you! I do not have an obsessively neat house, or laundry always done. I do not have the perfect meals on the table at just the right time, and I do not always look my best. So, outwardly, I don't look like much of a perfectionist.

The problem is, I long for all of the above mentioned things. I want the perfect home, the perfect cuisine, the perfect laundry room. I want to always be perfectly groomed and thin and beautiful. I want to be perfectly patient, perfectly loving, perfectly diligent and perfectly committed to Christ. I want all of these things passionately, and I am discontented in my spirit most of the time because of it.

Unfortunately, I cannot be perfect. I can try to do my best, and I can strive to get as close as I can to it, but I will never obtain perfection. Thankfully, I am not required to be perfect. I am just required to not quit, to keep trying, and be always mindful that I have a Savior who covers my imperfections, while giving me the power to go on trying.

I see myself in my little son, Joseph. 5 years old, and he is already ready to quit anything that is even a little bit hard. If he can't do it right the first or second time, he quits. This is really frustrating to me as his mom and as his teacher. So, today he and I came up with a really great guideline for him to follow. We decided that if, after having tried 6 million times, he still can't do it, then I will gladly believe him when he says he can't. (Hyperbole goes over big for a 5 year old. Obviously we aren't going to adhere to the 6 million rule "perfectly".)

I realized moments later that I really need to take my own advice. I can tend to just emotionally shut down every day when I see how imperfect my life really is. I immediately tell myself I can't do it all, and I let my imperfections pile up around me in the form of dirty floors, and piles of laundry. I have convinced myself that I can't do it, because it is too hard, and it is just too imperfect to be cured.

So, today I am going to imperfectly wash clothes, clean my house, work at my at-home job, snuggle my 4 boys, and serve my Savior. If things don't go just right, well, I have 5, 999, 999 more times to try to get it right. I should be able to pull off at least half-perfect by then!!!!!