I'm Learning a LOT About Me

I wish I liked all of it. But I don't. This week, one of my lesser character traits has come to the surface and reared its ugly head. I am impatient. Very impatient.

This Thursday I will be going away with 3 of my dear lady friends to go and have a "mommy-recharging" weekend. We will hang out at the lake, we will eat, because that is what women do, and we will encourage one another. There will be laughter, probably tears, again because that is what women do, and there will be cinnamon rolls. There will not be one ounce of testosterone anywhere!!! Sounds very close to heaven. I should be beside myself with joy.

But no. I am, instead, impatient. I want Thursday to be here. I want a few moments stacked up next to one another where I can compose a thought without hearing "Mommy!!!!!!" shouted from another room. I want to sleep and not listen for the pitter patter of little feet on the carpet coming into our room at 3am. In short, I want a vacation.

I am struggling with the why's of all of this. I love my boys, I love my husband. All of them are, second only to Jesus Christ, the very life's breath of my existence. So why do I want so badly to escape?

I can very honestly boil it down to feeling overly entitled. After full time mommying for years on end, I "deserve" a break. We are approaching the beginning of our homeschool year again, so I "deserve" a chance to "step back and focus." I am tired all the time, so I "deserve" some rest for a couple of days.

So I have to ask myself, what do I REALLY deserve? In the whole grand scheme of things, I deserve NOTHING. I deserve to be treated like someone who perpetually puts her own needs ahead of others in her heart. I deserve to be treated like one who has thumbed her nose at God more times than she can count with this grumbling, ungrateful heart.

But what do I get, instead? A husband who brings me coffee every morning, four beautiful healthy boys with hearts of gold, and a Savior who loves me enough to give His life for me. If that isn't grace and mercy, I don't know what is.

I needed to write this, because I needed to right this. My attitude has STUNK today, and I really needed to remind myself that my life is more blessed than I will ever "deserve." I have no single reason that I can think of to be anything but grateful.

I want to state, for the record, that I believe being aware of my limitations and asking for a break is a good and right thing to do. Where I cross the line is when I feel entitled to these things, and I am grumpy when I am not getting them fast enough. As a mom of 4 rambunctious boys, I will NEVER try to act as if asking for a break is sinful. It is when I demand it that I have lost sight of the point.

I am their mom. This is what I was put here to do. While I have many skills and talents, and do my best to use them all to God's glory, the main roles he has placed in my life are wife and mom. I ought to stop blogging now and go back to doing this, but hopefully with a heart that is thankful for these beautiful little testosterone-laden blessings.

So there is my written spanking for myself. I am going to go on this trip, and instead of looking at it as something I "deserve", I am going to praise the Lord for this tremendous blessing that He has added to my already overly blessed life. I am going to be thankful that He knows my fatigue and mental tiredness, and has looked after me enough to provide the recharging He knows I need. That is a wonderful thing, to have someone who so intimately knows my heart, with all the warts included, and still loves me enough to say, "Here, honey, let me help you feel better." Man, that is humbling. I am officially, and completely, grateful.